GeoWHY 人生苦短,爱生活,爱唧哦歪

2018-08-07

By 【假如我是真的】

2017·想成为一名侠客

在写2017年总结的这件事情上,我太拖延啦!
今年初迷上了视频,可惜去年拍的很少,总结成一个2分钟多一点儿的奉上:

2017年,我依旧在这个城市里生活。
日复一日,无所事事地。总有些时刻,我成为了故事中的侠客,把我的自行车装满我喜欢的东西。

西藏·嘎拉乡

我给它缠橙色的把带,绑上五个或六个或七个包。

西藏·普南冰川

我不会把它骑到乏味的城镇里去。

西藏·冲巴雍错

我带上我最好的相机作伴,我们快快乐乐地骑行于世界屋脊南边的山沟沟里。

宁夏·沙坡头

我们在正好的晨光里骑车前行。

西藏·雍布拉康

中午,你在饭桌上玩手机的时候,我们将在一块陌生的荒原中了。

西藏·白马林错

我们爬上一座又一座垭口,把峡谷和冰川抛落在我们的后边。

西藏·普莫雍错

当我们停下来的时候,天色快黑了,我将告诉你我们所见到的一切。
雪山的眼神穿过云层,刺中了我。

尼泊尔·Ama Dablam峰

时间悄无声息,清晨的雪凝固了空气,

尼泊尔·Pool Hill

后拨弹起的声响像一个信号,
点燃了心中埋藏的火苗。
藏族大妈给我梳的辫子有多长

西藏·吉汝乡

藏族小伙一口气能把我推到山顶的哪一边,
小哥制服诱惑的秘诀到底在哪里,

这绵长又叮咚的冰雹阵……

都是如此的神秘,好像一个游戏。

尼泊尔·鱼尾峰

嘿,抓好我,我们要起飞,离开这地面啦。

宁夏·西夏王陵

我从来都不喜欢量力而行,总想趁还有力气就有多远走多远。

陕西·鳌太线

每个假期,我把所有的生存指南抛诸脑后,
尼泊尔·加德满都

我就是那无缰的野马。

尼泊尔·loboche

躺在风中,听夕阳悄悄的离去。

西藏·吉汝乡

扑捉每一个空荡荡的瞬间。

陕西·靖边

我忘了自己是朝九晚五的有轨列车。

内蒙·热水塘

忘了身边殷切的目光。

天空布满星光,

梦里,全是前进的方向。

内蒙·达里诺尔湖

曾经备受打击,被固定在医院无力前行,

内蒙·西拉木伦峡谷

而后再一次推开世界的门,忍不住热泪盈眶。

陕西·鳌太线

湖岸线,

内蒙·达里诺尔湖

小鳄鱼,

美国·新奥尔良

几个假期与自己的漫游,

云海里的最后一次飞行。

河北独石口·朔镇

都是真的。


2018-08-07

By 【假如我是真的】

嘿,2016再见啦

又到了每年的这个时候。

2016年,没有特别满意的照片。
一年过得像一个梦一样快。
梦的开端,我从雪洞里醒来。

脑子里回响着昨夜喧嚣的灯光。

指尖还留着触摸的记忆。

还记得那匹远远等我的骏马。

还记得昨夜坐在对面那个姑娘手套的颜色。

真不想醒来啊。
或许因为知道醒来就知道昨晚睡的是一个小羊圈,伴随着入睡的是几十只小羊滋滋的撒尿声,是头顶帐篷口里那一小块寂静的星空。

或许是忘不了那无止尽的苦痛与满足。

不想离开那些巨树。我的秘密太多,还没跟树洞说完。

那又怎样?这儿有可爱的阿妈啊。

有学拍照的小娃啊。

有会飞的猕猴桃啊。

看,那个小妹长得有点像我。

嘿,活着多美好,可以买酷酷的小飞机。

一次一次地飞起来。

拍酷酷的火车厢。

可以去山里跑步,在“咚咚咚”的心跳声中数远方还有几座山头。

可以趴在地上看,嘿,这里有个发光的贝壳!

可以随时随地跳起来。

可以去长城看云海。

可以去西藏骑车,看看放逐时的自己是多么的不可爱。

可以去公园看黑天鹅用塑料袋装水玩。

可以跟帅哥一起去山里捡垃圾。

这里,我告诉自己要努力挣钱啊,挣足够了钱才能想走就走,而不是无数次回望它却不得不出发。

生生火,做做饭,一天就快过去啦。

这一天,懂得了许多东西。
傍晚的阳光在草原上移走,我找到了我的原野。

原来狮身人面像比金字塔要小,那么多。

还有开满丁香花的山丘。只有去了才会懂。

以及那些谎言

还有,黄昏绝不可错过。
黄昏有最多话的晚霞啊。

即使知道再不扎营就可能不小心骑进了西藏第一大湖泊啦。

还有停留许久的平流雾,噢不对,这些久久悱恻的粉红色晚霞

在尼罗河上看黄昏能有什么不一样?那么热,却不想挪开视线。
原来埃及在非洲啊,从来都没有人告诉我!

在北边,黄昏又变得不一样啦。没有晚霞也无所谓。

还有无人机最好玩的是什么你知道吗?
是一旦飞出去就有可能没有了。
因为随时可能会丢信号,会因为一阵大风吹得毫无踪影,会因为手机断电片刻失联,会在湖中央降不下来光靠手抓。转瞬就告别最痛快。

那还是想想以后要做些什么吧?
我想爬上高高的山岗。

想拍下流走的每一道光。

想趴着滑过透明的彩色。

想捉住这只小猫揉个不停。

跟火车比比谁的头更硬。

想再去去不那么有味道却依然可爱的西安。也想去别的地方看看。

想成为躺在树叶上那一滚虫子。

想继续那些不期而遇的惊喜。
就这样一边吃东西一边看远方的少年拍照。

想一次又一次再在这里停下来

想继续这样看看曾经一次次跑过的地方。

是的,我不知道我想干些什么,有时候只是远远地看着就挺好。

有时候又想用画笔把那些酷酷的瞬间画出来。

有的东西,错过了就没有了。
我第二次、第三次去到这里的时候,那些火山坑都没有了湖水。

我无数次的抬起头看到了灿烂星光,看到了热闹的星空中游动的巨鱼。它们每次都不一样。

即使星星看起来没有那么多,我也喜欢盯着它们。

它们其实一直都在呐,只是我看不见。

骑了那么多的车。
我却再也没有瘦起来。

那些走过的羊,从来也都不是同一只。

想问问对面的帅哥们谁能跟我走。要是能多有几个就更好了。

告诉他守着漂亮的咸水湖没水喝也没电拍照的感受。

告诉他我想写一篇关于延庆-后城-雕鹗这条河北一日游路线的攻略。

想继续跟着大家在晚上去香山跑步。

想永远像个小孩子蹦着跑下故乡的单元楼。

想继续对小孩子做鬼脸。

想去深渊里片叶不沾身打个来回。

想拍下这条路最绚烂的时候。

想……
继续走。

继续画。


继续拍。

继续发呆。

继续在自我的牢笼里颓废。

想跟这个人一样,有一只可爱的狗狗陪着。见水淌水,见沙跑沙。

或许就做一只狗也不错呐?

嘿,大山。

嘿,小猫。

嘿,颓废的菩萨。

嘿,废墟。

没错,一年的生活就只有这些。山,猫,废墟,颓废的菩萨。
月亮升起来了。

不远处在下雨。

这个梦该结束了。还是要回到城市里继续生活啊。

好吧,作为一个脸永远肿的胖子。还是继续圆但快乐吧。

继续搬砖。

2017年继续!


2018-01-24

By GEO-DODO

importing files with Chinese characters to R

I should post this on StackOverFlow..
Here’s some explanation on ASCII and UTF encoding. https://stackoverflow.com/questions…
My problem:
our questionnaire has some chinese characters, as you can imagine, all the location name is in Chinese, people’s name, seed variety, herbicide and pesticide etc, as well as the strategies they use. In excel, these characters can display fine, and so was the first time I processed them in R (now think about it, could be that I was using my mac instead of lenovo).
Anyway, the challenge is that I need to process the data in R, and I’ve exported all the excel files into CSV, with UTF-8 encoding option. However, no matter how many times/different functions I called in R, different settings in R (I’ve tried Windows default encoding, which is windows-1252, and ISO, or the different read.table, readr), the Chinese characters are still not showing properly.
Some of the tips I’ve found helpful to understand the possible errors:
Although these tips didn’t solve my problem. It’s not about choosing UTF-8 or fileEncoding or encoding. At the end, it is fucking excel’s problem, because I found this one and it helped a lot: https://stackoverflow.com/questions…
Turns out even you selected encoding UTF-8 when you converting xlsx to CSV, excel doesn’t do it..So you can either convert the data to txt, or using google spreadsheet and download it as a CSV. Also, you have to cancel the automatically open downloaded file this option, because once excel opens the CSV, the encoding is messed up again.
Another thing to pay attention is that, at Import Dataset, when you use Data Viewer, it may not show the proper encoding results. My data could be imported properly if I finished the importing process rather than just look at the Data Viewer.
I also find UTF-8 is different from UTF8 (however, I can’t prove which one is correct), but I think my main problem here is caused by excel.

2018-01-16

By GEO-DODO

2017 回顾

正经写博客越来越少了。在农历新年来临之前总结一下过去的这一年好了。

1月
去印度参加了朋友婚礼
生日那天喝的大醉

2月
正经投出去第一篇一作文章
偷偷溜去法国待了一周,和维生素去了巴塞罗纳,可惜没进去圣家堂,但吃到了非常美味的tapas

3月
无甚大事,因为工作原因加上长距离,和维生素感情产生波动,经常跑到janet那里哭

4月
连着参加了波士顿的aag,巴尔的摩的us-iale,以及圣地亚哥的abm研讨会
见到了留学之后就没见过的nana和欢,无比怀念版纳
和维生素去了Yosemite和joshua tree,两人开诚布公之后反而更坚定了再一起的决心

5月
文章接收,minor revision
waterloo参加resilience会议,见到development resilience的作者
一篇三作的文章投稿

6月
普渡参加gtap会议
月底回国
被以前的导师骚扰

7月
黑龙江调研,进展顺利
第二篇一作文章投稿
三作文章major revision
和维生素在西宁会和,一路向西,终于见到敦煌中的各色佛像

8月
继续在北京的实验室工作
三作文章接收
带维生素见了高中朋友们,换了一本新护照

9月
到伦敦在kings访学一个月,模型终于跑起来了。。。
去法国了两次,一次一周,一次周末,维生素来伦敦过了个周末,看了wicked
买了三个lv,一个prada,都不是给自己买的

10月
项目开年会,第二篇一作文章minor revision,之后一直忙报销的事情
和维生素正式决定申请加拿大pr,他考了法语和英语
体重达到颠覆,决定减肥

11月
算是在电话里订婚了吧
工作上没有大的进展,一直在输入问卷。。。
成功做到只social drink一个月

12月
提交了一篇二作的review文章,见到了resilience界的一个大牛
圣诞和新年假期和维生素跑了西边的四个国家公园,在vegas看了太阳马戏团的一场表演
最后一天在sedona的停车场把租的车给蹭了。。

1月
在sedona过新年,两个人懒到就在宾馆房间看书,也没出去跟人群倒数
从芝加哥连夜开车回lansing,11号在hall of justice的一间法庭领了个证,几位朋友专门从加拿大过来,好多同事也来了。头一天和后一天都大雪,难得领证那天天气温暖,穿单裙在外面也不冷。老板晚上也去露了个面。之后和大家去了芝加哥过周末,把维生素送到机场。

领证那天因为化妆的原因差点迟到,跑到法院才见到维生素。他一直亲我、说开心。一直都觉得我们俩结婚是business decision,没有预期他是这么真诚的开心,还纠正我说现在不是男朋友了,是丈夫了。可能和前男友在一起总是患得患失,不敢相信男生是可以作出结婚这种承诺的,不知道感情可以没有drama就这么顺利。

一开始并没有觉得结婚后有什么本质上的改变,因为现在还是异国,而且我们就简单领了个证,双方父母也都还不在。直到在芝加哥的最后一天早上,他醒了之后又亲我,说特别特别开心我们结婚了,我才意识到这个人是真的要和你一起过一辈子(至少当下他是认真的),就忽然开始哭了,特别希望能够赶紧一起搬到加拿大去,开始真实的婚姻生活,认认真真过日子。

2017年开局不利,我还记得生日的后一天打电话给维生素哭,说觉得自己三十岁了还一事无成。但是这一年算是越走越顺吧,不管是工作还是个人感情。2018年开局顺利,希望后面也一切顺利。


2017-11-19

By GEO-DODO

#metoo

The urge of talking about this has been itchy for at least a week. Finally, I decided to find a way to organize my thoughts and express the anger and anxiety in me, in a more rational mood.

 

This summer I was harassed by my former professor in graduate school.

 

When I was in Beijing I went to visit him. The last time we met was three years ago, and people need to show respect to professors/teachers in China, as a cultural tradition. He invited me to this dinner party that his phd student celebrating the graduation with fellows from his lab. The dinner went like any other Chinese official banquet, there is one person who has most of the power and sits in the center of the table while everyone else (12+ students) has to kiss his ass. I was never a fan of this kind of thing, but I also understand if I want to go back to china with a good job offer, it is obligate to attend.

 

Everything was fine until we switched venue to a karaoke bar after dinner. My former advisor was slightly drunk, in a pretty damn good mood, since this phd student landed a damn good job offer. Things started going down at the bar. At first I just feel he came too close. He sat next to me, skin to skin. Then he forced me to sing a love duet with him and staring at me and trying to hold my hand as an act for the duet. I didn’t finish the song and moved to sit to the other corner of the room because I already raised suspicion. What confirmed my suspicion is when he walked across the room and sat next to me, again, skin to skin. What made me feel worse is when he started to touch my back and waist, acting like he was too drunk to support himself of accidently touched my skin. The last straw is that he slided his hand from my knee down to my shin. I stood up and told the host, the phd student, that I need to leave because I’m still suffering from jetlag.

 

I was so angry that I was trembling on the taxi back to my hotel. I wasn’t sure if I was angrier at myself or at the professor, a married man, a teacher of mine, who did this to me. I am still not sure about the object of my rage even today. I called my good friend in Beijing and told him what just happened. I remember telling my friend in the phone that, (1) I told the prof I have a boyfriend, (2) I wasn’t dressed inappropriate, i was wearing a cardigan, and my dress goes down to my knees, (3) I didn’t flirt with him at all. (4) did he do this to me because he thought i am easy since my boyfriend is a foreigner?  You see, Immediately I started to check if it’s me did something wrong, which may misguide him that I am interested to sleep with him.

 

It is not a solo instance. Now look back at my time in that institute as his student, he was trying to flirt with me from time to time. The most obvious one is that he offered to take me to some resort hotel outside of Beijing during weekend, which I said no thank you. But he didn’t dare to touch me physically back then. However, I did see him as a model or admired him as a student, and I didn’t tell anyone I had a boyfriend back then. And I am more open minded than any other fellow students in the lab. So maybe, perhaps, he is not the only one to blame? That is why I had the checklist going when I was in the taxi?

 

Every detail is still crystal clear. Every time I look back at this harassment and my time there as a student, I blame myself for not standing up against him at the scene and giving him a slap on the face. There were at least eight other female students at dinner, who are much younger, naïve, and innocent than me. I want to ask them if this monster being harassing them as well, and I want to tell them it is ok to fight back. But how could I? First of all, I do not know them and they know little about me. I have graduated from the lab five years ago and they only heard my name. I don’t know if he ever harassed anyone else. Secondly, which is more important, I didn’t stand up against him myself. How can they expect me as a role model? Lastly, the most important reason, is that, I have no idea where I can report him to? I am only an alumni of the institute, there is no liability issue from the school on me anymore. Moreover, I’m pretty sure even a registered student may have no place to file a complaint. People in charge may just let them shut up, or worse, give them a hard time to graduate for speaking ill of the professor who is in power. Students who report these kinds of things often end up with a slutty reputation as well (particularly if i was the only victim and my boyfriend is foreigner). So no one really wants to disclose those monsters. I’m also worried about the consequences apparently. Do I have any evidence that he harassed me? Students there in the same bar may see nothing. Since he only touched me and it’s not something worse, like many other victims suffering from penetration, people may just say, oh shut up, stop pretending to be a victim here. It is also that once I speak up, there is no possible network for me in this institute, it’ll be a bridge well burned. All these fears, these worries, stopped me from doing anything further. After that night, he texted me a few times while my time in Beijing, inviting me to dinner in private. I turned them down, politely. That’s the keyword, politely. I’m still so afraid to even confront with him.

 

During the phone call in the taxi, my friend tried to calm me. He is a salesman in a company. He said, yeah, it is really common that women in the workplace are often taken advantage. He has several female colleagues who have to deal with customers at dinner table from time to time. And because they need to sell products, there’s no other way but accept and suffer in silence. It’s a rule of thumb. There are other stories I heard from friends who work in China this summer. It is also true in academia, female faculty members will be invited to resort venues for meetings to “balance the gender”, which usually it’s the male professors are in charge of the meetings, and female profs are just there as dancing/dinner partners. Basically, escort. I’m sure same stories lying around and are easy to find. This makes me sad, how pathetic is the working environment for Chinese women. They already suffer significant prejudice from maternity leave and household responsibilities, which is worsen because of the second children policy. Now they are still being treated like a sex tool even they are as capable as their male colleagues?

 

 

I didn’t speak out when the #metoo went viral on facebook and twitter, because my case is cultural specific. Because of my background, I guess I’ll never be able to just blame the professor who gave me these endless self-doubt, or ever collect the courage to confront him or warn his students. Even this essay I’ll only post it on my personal website instead of share it on facebook like I usually do. But I do want to have some answers or clear thoughts on my other rage, to one of my friends’ reaction to this.

 

There are not many people aware of this assault. People I told are all my close friends that I trust. They are all very supportive and warm, offering me lots of assurance. However, there is this one friend, after I told him, asked me, are you sure he touched you not because he is just too awkward to show his affection to you?—The arguments with him is actually a trigger for my anger and willingness to write down these words.

 

To his question, I said no, it is not him being awkward, it is because this is not appropriate for him to do so. First of all, he is married, secondly, he was my professor and is still at a more powerful position than me. Then my friend raised an assumption, which is, would you still feel uncomfortable or unacceptable if he is young, attractive, unmarried? I told him that I may very likely to grow affection to this person, but I still think it’s not acceptable for him doing this. Especially you need approval before you can touch anyone! But I feel very offended by his assumption, it makes me judge myself that I only rejected him or feel disgusted because my professor who touched me against my own will is married and not attractive.

 

Not long ago we had a second argument, when the Hollywood harassment thing is going viral. This time this friend initiated the discussion. He said he doesn’t understand why people only feel powerless, to him, the predators’ behaviors are weird, which is not a power dynamic. This made me jump off my chair. I know this friend means no harm and we often argue about things. However, once again, I am extremely angry at what he just wondered. This sounds like the harassment victims are in a power equal position with those predators, and it is their fault to feel powerless and not fight back at the scene. You see, this is exactly what I have been blaming myself for. So, this time, instead of arguing with him, I just tell him to shut up. I told him, being a friend means you need to be supportive if anyone is going through a sexual harassment, not being judgmental.

 

I know this friend, as a victim himself once, has no intention to criticize me or blame me for not standing up. I still feel extremely angry at his tone. But later when I am less furious, I started to think if his argument has some merits. Maybe we do need to feel less powerless but analyze the predators’ behaviors so that we can find a solution? However, I can’t seem to be able to convince myself. Emotionally, I kind of still suffering the fact that I didn’t do anything to stop him, and this is why I am angry at my friend’s tone, because it is true that I did feel powerless and it is the reason I didn’t stand up, for myself and for others. However, that monster professor is the person who started it, it is not my fault not to feel his behavior weird, but rather disgusting, offensive, assaulting, and destructing. It is the society’s fault that women are often victims to these types of situation. Why they did it? Because they are sick. Because society gives them power to assault women at no cost. Is it weird? Should we think their behaviors as weird? I don’t care. It is WRONG for them to do so. WRONG, not weird.

 

Anyway, I’m still angry at myself today. For both not standing up, and for not winning the argument with my friend. This essay definitely helps to clear my thoughts and makes me less upset. I wish in the future, I can find peace with myself, and, the worst case scenario, if this type of thing ever happened again, I will pull myself together and stand up against it.


← Before